Friday, February 14, 2014

The Ex-Factor

Being a socialite and a philanthropist, I have had my share of ex-boyfriends.  I have recently discovered that I still love all of them.  The Indulgent with the champagne colored Infiniti? I particularly loved his fraternal zeal and the keg-o-rator that occupied a prized placement in the living room. And also his Shar Pei, whose name I can't currently recall, but appreciated it's slobbery attention and wrinkly skin just the same. Oh wait, "Pharaoh"! Very sensitive, he was. There were a number of failed romantic dinners, which I prepared, only to be disappointed by his absence - The Indulgent Boyfriend, not the Shar Pei. But life is nothing but a lesson - if you can't be vulnerable enough to cook a four course meal for someone you care about, what's the point?  And besides someone's got to eat it - and roommates are in fact human beings (thanks Jeanette) so they count.  He had an older sister who'd died before I met him and to touch the grief of that experience makes me understand the reality of my own process. You morn your family for as long as you live.  And he had a girl's name which reminded me of my father - who coincidentally is becoming one of my best friends. 

My first boyfriend on the other hand  is now fat.  Perhaps I exaggerate. He now has man meat on him but I still imagine him slim and fragranced in Lagerfeld Photo.  I met him at an LL Cool J concert. We both had braces and he was tall and lanky, and, of course, there was the Lagerfeld to consider. It was my first attempt at femme fatality.  There was no pen but I gave him my number and cautioned that "if you want to, you'll remember it". I still wonder where I got the cajones for that line. In either case, he had a Hyundai and even at 15 (a full year before I was allowed to officially date) there was the Lion King on Valentine's Day and various dollar theaters where we made out and he made my "love come down"- that's totally a real thing. He was my first time-- scared and fumbling, but I was infinitely more curious.  I never told my mom, and thus began the gulf between us.  He cheated, a discovery revealed through the technology of three way calling.  But I was like, totally strong and independent, so I broke up with him (and everything).  I still liked-ed him though. Lagerfeld Photo and all that.

And then there was He. I thought He was it. Nearly seven years and three states. And codependency. And physical abuse (both He and I as perpetrators).  One of the first people I knew intimately who had been sexually abused. He worshiped me. But there is a lot of responsibility to being a goddess.  And, despite my inherent fabulousity, I knew that maintaining this level of adoration wasn't realistic.  However. However, to be cherished so completely was tremendous gift and he was amazingly talented and my understanding partnership was forever changed.  I knew that my support of him would require a professional perspective. In fact, that perspective, was important for my own well-being. Because of him I am not afraid of therapy. He once told me that "no one will ever love you like I do";  he is absolutely right.  But love is always unique in its expression.  Our relationship existed as a tender protection, when my early twenties could have been drenched with an anxiety to please many different people, instead it was about considering the needs of myself and one other.  Our breakup was not amicable. But it was necessary.  I believe he has made a beautiful life outside the pressures of my ambition. He knew my Mother - He and She both Aquarius - this is a thing none other will have access to. Both sensitive to the point of fragility, and so very, very beautiful.  Plus I spent an Extremely Jamaican Christmas in Miami with sorrel and that crazy drink made with condensed milk, carrot juice and Guinness, and smoking weed out of a Sherlock Holmes pipe with He's Uncle Keith. For these things, I love He still.

Now, like any woman of the world I have had those which are boyfriend-and-not-boyfriend.  Bluesman, an ex-convict, I wept to hear the full story of his incarceration.  But since black men are my favorites, most of my paramours have been through some phase of the criminal justice system.   Bluesman sharpened my worry for the future of Blackmanchild years before Trayvon.  Bluesman was Black with that Trans-Atlantic Prisoner Trade something that could easily be Indian (dot and feather), European, even Asian.  The secks was off the chain. Always. But he was my boyfriend-not-my-boyfriend and so the double standard was in full effect. A furry Irishman took me to the Hamptons for the first time during our non-relationship.  I didn't cover my tracks so well (a passive aggressive tactic) even after I'd agreed to cut off this additional non-relationship. Ah, The Irishman with kisses that disintegrated underclothes.  And the headiness of really liking a blue-eyed-devil, and I, shocked at our common ground and utterly charmed by the easy confidence that privilege provides. The whole scenario taught me something I already knew: lying is death to any relationship.  Sheer force of will extended Bluesman and I beyond that episode, but I think he closed a part of himself off with a question mark and exclamation point. Seriously, a white dude?! 

Question mark exclamation point-- the most recent entry on my dating resume was 19 years my senior (?!) with quite an impressive resume himself. Three ex-wives, three children (each half siblings), he had already led three lives by the time we met.  Strikingly brilliant, fit, and handsome,  I was a prime candidate for his brand of education. There were dinners with broiled animals that I didn't know existed, conversations surrounding the glory days of his professional world - think Wall Street circa 1997 - and he was infamous to boot.  Money laundering (alleged) and modelesque lady friends (actual), appealed to my imagination, but the reality was much more complicated. Omitted details like the fact that he was living with one of his ex-wives when we first met, became a pebble in my shoe.  It was obvious that his generous affection was counter balanced with a cold aloofness that would stun me with its surgical precision.  That said, I became much more comfortable with the notion that the older I got, the more likely my partner would have children and/or an ex-spouse.  The notion of a tidy "we" giving way to a more expansive "us".  Plus after a couple of years of relative homelessness he offered a genuine sense of stability, of which I am still reaping the benefits.  He also revealed, through example, the importance of slowing down; that the rush to accomplish could result in injury and break-ups via text sting like a MOFO (all caps, exclamation point).

Of course there are others, I do have great gams, but the sentiment is the same: there is love in my heart for each.  I love who I am becoming and without these experiences of love and caring, disappointment and anger, miscommunication and understanding, affection and redemption, trial and error - I could not claim these as an enhancement to my own character.  I hope that wherever they are, whatever they are doing, that love is abiding with them.  Perhaps they might even think of me fondly - the memory of us a companion to their better selves.

Happy Valentines Day!

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